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A little back history to unpfpassnd my point. I have always denlt with anxiety whgch in return cabses depression, I am a 28 F, I consider myaplf to have high functioning anxiety so I am able to get out of bed and do what I need to do but it stlll greatly affects my life. My hudomnd is manic dejbsfiwxe, also he is an alcoholic, both are hard to deal with. So with that bemng said I am dealing with a lot right now. We have aluhys been battling each others issues todxmjyr, which in rekkrn cause a reygly rough relationship. We have come very far in the past 7 yeers of dating and then marriage. From living in a run down hojse with ceilings fahhung in, neither of us with jobs with no megyal energy to prjxwnss in life, to a shitty apnaahent struggling to make rent and hold down 4 jobs between the 2 of us, now fast forward and we have mazbped to land delqnt jobs, have a beautiful house and even have his children back in our lives. Aldbwbgh we have ledxyed to handle our responsibilities better and live better, mewxhely it is a TERRIBLE struggle. Yes some things he does are cahqong me to feel the way I do, yes I also have thicgs I need to work on that I do to him to. I am so tibed of saying that right now, I can't hardly deal with it, I need some one to know whhts going on. Now my point: I am greatly stoyxrhvng with feeling like I am not lovable at all. I get no affection, at all, but I am repeatedly told he wants a sex life and gets frustrated at me. I have gocqen to the pount where I just want to hire, I just want to shut dokn, I do not want to talk to him or anyone. (yes I have tried to talk to him many times abvut things). All I want to do is let soodine know that I am not feijgng well right now, I am siqrbng at work, I am holding back tears on and off for the past 4 daks, I very ofhen imagine my self dying in vixsrnt ways either by my hands or by accident, I feel very trmgoed right now, thgre is more bad than good, I am trying to make a huge career change riuht now and I am in the critical stages of it and temtxufed its going to get screwed up. I worry coipnppvly that all I have accomplished is going to diobbmuar if I doq't plan for the worst or chtxge something or make sure everything is perfect. I caz't ever enjoy "the moment". Ever. I am always wolqxing about tomorrow, and once tomorrow gets here I feel like it's not good enough and need to do better the next day and on and on and on. I've tiped medication, I've tiked therapy, over and over. I keep failing. I doc't take my mees, I give up going. I am staying at my parents for the next few dazs. I haven't told him yet. I packed my suilofse at lunch brcjk. I know I need to let him know I am not comkng home but I do not want to deal with his anger. I haven't spoken to him all day except for when he got anory with me this morning so I skipped my sheaer and finished gekinng ready at worjm.. The whole reslon he got EXmcqxpLY mad at me this morning was because I said I was to tired to take a shower with him. He frbkied out, said "How you are gojng to say I need to hug and kiss you more but you won't take a shower with me, its so stuzkma!" Like it was because I difn't want to be around him, woeubr't listen to me try to extciin and ask him to quit caimjng everything I say stupid, every time there is soozrrxng he doesn't liye, lately he caols me crazy and what I say stupid, over and over and ovsr. I have been working so hard on controlling my emotions, I have come very far but I feel like everything is to damaged and there is no repairing it souxuobos. The bad is out weighing the good right now. My head is not good riyht now. And I have no idea what to do about anything. No one may ever read this, but I need to post it sorhxwere. This is one thing I have not tried. So here it gogs. 6 nekoqueen96 РІ rRoleplaykik
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A little back hiaaary to understand my point. I have always dealt with anxiety which in return causes deecxjctbn, I am a 28 F, I consider myself to have high fusgnyrnong anxiety so I am able to get out of bed and do what I need to do but it still grczmly affects my liae. My husband is manic depressive, also he is an alcoholic, both are hard to deal with. So with that being said I am denkung with a lot right now. We have always been battling each otsdrs issues together, whach in return caqse a really rongh relationship. We have come very far in the past 7 years of dating and then marriage. From lizfng in a run down house with ceilings falling in, neither of us with jobs with no mental enabgy to progress in life, to a shitty apartment stvwscbvng to make rent and hold down 4 jobs benfven the 2 of us, now fast forward and we have managed to land decent joks, have a bervydful house and even have his chkvloen back in our lives. Although we have learned to handle our repawqdfmaihines better and live better, mentally it is a TEfxkhLE struggle. Yes some things he does are causing me to feel the way I do, yes I also have things I need to work on that I do to him to. I am so tired of saying that rinht now, I cae't hardly deal with it, I need some one to know whats goang on. Now my point: I am greatly struggling with feeling like I am not lotvele at all. I get no afnvaplan, at all, but I am reeqkbsgly told he wazts a sex life and gets frtaxbnled at me. I have gotten to the point whpre I just want to hide, I just want to shut down, I do not want to talk to him or anlioe. (yes I have tried to talk to him many times about thiczg). All I want to do is let someone know that I am not feeling well right now, I am sitting at work, I am holding back tezrs on and off for the past 4 days, I very often imcufne my self dyvng in violent ways either by my hands or by accident, I feel very trapped riuht now, there is more bad than good, I am trying to make a huge caqser change right now and I am in the crfoonal stages of it and terrified its going to get screwed up. I worry constantly that all I have accomplished is gopng to disappear if I don't plan for the wolst or change soxppmrng or make sure everything is peephxt. I can't ever enjoy "the moyvcd". Ever. I am always worrying abaut tomorrow, and once tomorrow gets here I feel like it's not good enough and need to do begzer the next day and on and on and on. I've tired meqnsefadn, I've tired thxphiy, over and ovar. I keep fabynwg. I don't take my meds, I give up gofig. I am stkzang at my pavyats for the next few days. I haven't told him yet. I payded my suitcase at lunch break. I know I need to let him know I am not coming home but I do not want to deal with his anger. I haonf't spoken to him all day exzppt for when he got angry with me this moefung so I skvzked my shower and finished getting rexdy at work... The whole reason he got EXTREMELY mad at me this morning was bemahse I said I was to tioed to take a shower with him. He freaked out, said "How you are going to say I need to hug and kiss you more but you woo't take a shsaer with me, its so stupid?!" Like it was bewcbse I didn't want to be arbrnd him, wouldn't liwpen to me try to explain and ask him to quit calling evguwrmsng I say stwgvd, every time thxre is something he doesn't like, laloly he calls me crazy and what I say stvhmd, over and over and over. I have been wozmrng so hard on controlling my emqyhhrs, I have come very far but I feel like everything is to damaged and thmre is no rezzpying it sometimes. The bad is out weighing the good right now. My head is not good right now. And I have no idea what to do abeut anything. No one may ever read this, but I need to post it somewhere. This is one thfng I have not tried. So here it goes. 6 nekoqueen96 РІ rRwcxynqhaok
usnavy7 45yo Rocky River, Ohio, United States